"if you don't have anything nice to say..."
- I will watch Dancing With The Stars this season just to see the moment Nancy Grace realizes that Chaz Bono is a missing white woman.
- Everyone is complaining that Casey Anthony is now free to return to her partying ways. Relax, she's never gonna dance again -- guilty feet have got no rhythm.
- I kept all the graduation pictures that said “Proof” – that was all I was using them for anyway
- Murder is like marriage -- if you think you couldn't do it - you just haven't met the right person yet
- this just in - vegans are 98% more likely to be obnoxious in any and all conversations involving food.
- "colloquialism" is my favorite word - and no one ever says it.
- I hope that if some day something bad should suddenly happen to my brain I blurt out something really brilliant first - that way it'll be a stroke of genius
- Joan Crawford was very vocal about being pro-life. “No wire hangers – ever!”
- A slut is just a slot with its top off
- Miley Cyrus was caught using a bong on her 18th birthday. Billy Ray Cyrus was very disappointed – after all that money he’d spent on roofies…
- Did you know Rick Springfield sold the most records this year? Seriously — he had like 14 yard sales.
- Facebook lets people pretend to be farmers, Twitter lets them pretend to be friends with celebrities… I miss the good old days when MySpace just let you pretend to be 18
- Zack Morris’ wife cheated on him with Jeff Probst. Seriously? How many times is that guy gonna lose his girl to a dude named Jeff?
- Larry King has announced that after 25 years he is stepping down from his show — after watching many, many interviews I was shocked to hear he still knew that he was on the air
- Saying Jesus was Jewish is like saying Steve Jobs used a PC
- Perez Hilton may go to jail for posting an explicit photo of Miley Cyrus. No word yet on whether or not Billy Ray will face time for having had it framed.
- ABC has announced that they are considering Kate Gosselin as the new Bachelorette… I could care less but I know a broad in a shoe who is hella pissed
- Megan Fox admits to losing engagement ring. Nerds everywhere vow to go to Middle-earth in search…
- Paula Deen had $100,000 worth of jewelry stolen by her housekeeper. How did she know? The footprints in the butter.
-A 62-foot high statue of Jesus was struck by lightning and then burned to the ground…’cause that’s how you untag pictures when you’re Jesus Christ.
- I’m going to start a support group for sociopaths and call it “No Worries”